I don’t even know how to start this post but I just have a huge need to get things out of myself.
I caught myself thinking that one day I would just like to wake up and be a person with normal eating habits.
At the end of last December just before Christmas I weighed around 65,5 kg. I was almost at my goal weight, only 2,5 kg to go. My measurements were pretty impressive, at least for me. Since then I’ve had a couple of better weeks but mostly it has gone all downhill from that point.
Chaos, chaos, chaos.
Christmas was just bad. I remember eating everything I wanted and so much that my stomach hurt. Just binging everything that tasted great. At the time I just thought to myself: “No regrets. It’s the holidays, you can do that once a year.” I gained 2,5 kg of bodyweight and 7,5 cm in measurements. Some was water but some clearly fat.
It was hard getting back on track after letting myself go: I remember one day when my eating had been good but then I just binged on gingerbread cookies in the evening. And it wasn’t just that occasion, it has happened more than once.
New Year’s was better for me. I was low-carb, didn’t eat sugar and starch but still consumed too much calories. Calories do matter, whether on low-carb or not. Energy is still energy and too much energy is stored as fat. Period. Gained a little over a kilogram, lost 1 cm.
Then it was just one week before my trip to Thailand. I felt big and fat: not a good thing to feel before getting into a bikini. I went on a strict low carb with reduced calories. I didn’t keep a food diary but lost 4,5 cm and 2 kg that week. I was still 1,5 kg heavier and 2 cm bigger than when I came home from school before Christmas and 4 kg away from my goal weight.
Travelling in Thailand: eat whenever and whatever and as much as I wanted (= too much). Came home and was 1 cm and 1 kg bigger. Which was a miracle because I never would have thought to gain only a kilogram after that kind of eating. But still: weight going in the wrong direction!
And then came the worst week during my weightloss journey. It all started with the idea to keep some carbs in my diet (like oats and fruit) and turned into a whole binge WEEK. I can’t even publicly write about it, I’m that embarrassed… Let’s just say that +3kg and +7,5 cm says everything about that week. And please: do not tell me it was water. I know it wasn’t. That week I also wrote the post: “When easy things become difficult…” I have to tell you: they haven’t become any easier! 😦
It was so hard to get back on track and stay on it. I failed and failed and failed.
Then I had one week of low-carbing but still overeating. Would a normal person eat a whole head of cauliflower in one go? Would a normal person eat coconut oil like it’s yogurt? Would a normal person consume 1000+ calories with one meal? No. No. NO!
On the 14th of February in Food Friday I wrote about my feelings and had a new plan. I think it was a good plan, considering my workouts, running plans and bodyweight goals.
First week: great, –2 kg.
Second week: eating habits OK but too much calories. Gained around half a kg and measurements hadn’t decreased at all…
Third week: OK eating habits and OK calories, under 2000 kcal per day. Gained over a kilogram –> confused.
Fourth week: good eating habits, great caloric intakes –> down 1,5 kg and a couple of cm.
Fifth week aka this week: everything has collapsed again. Portions: too big, eating times: chaotic, calories: sky high. Official weigh in will be on Saturday but today I saw numbers I really didn’t want to see but should have expected. If I think about going to measure my bodyfat percentage, I actually get terrified. I won’t get that done any time soon.
All I can do is sigh…
One strange thing: being at my real home (= parents’ house) is so controversial to me. I love being with my family and dog but I overeat all the time when I’m there. Every. Single. Day. Actually I just can’t stop eating when I’m there. OK, Friday’s are the only days I don’t because it’s Food Friday and it motivates me to actually be a HEALTHY Margit, not the binger/snacker/overeater Margit. I do not binge/snack junk, I overdo healthy foods. That’s so weird. It’s like my brain is telling me: “It’s healthy stuff, it’s OK.” But the eating patterns of the healthy stuff is UNHEALTHY.
That’s it! I know my problem. I’m a healthy eater with UNHEALTHY eating patterns and habits.
(Now you can officially make me feel guilty about having a health blog since I fail so much.)
I have a good day, I have a bad day; I have a good week, I have a miserable week… No consistency, no routine, no results. Just a person who keeps getting more and more confused and upset with herself.
And you know another funny thing? My workouts haven’t changed (except for Thailand) during all this gaining and losing game. I worked out just as hard on the week when I lost 2 kg or gained 3 kg. They do not matter at all when it comes to my weight.
Why do I keep doing this to myself?! How come I can’t stay on track? Why do I overeat the healthy stuff? It’s not the plan that isn’t working, it’s ME that isn’t working. Well, maybe the plan needs improving and I’m sure I could theoretically lose weight on low carb, high carb, calorie restriction, Weight Watchers and every other plan IF ONLY I put my mind to it and STICK WITH IT.
But I don’t. I’m just messed up.